#53
on self-acceptance
dear you,
it was the winter solstice a few days ago, the shortest day & the longest night of the year. it only gets brighter from here. wishing you light & warmth, and a peaceful end to the year <3
it is the end of december, and in my final act of the year, i will remain steadfast.
the longest, darkest night has come and gone.
this year has felt so transformative, and i can hardly recognise the person i was at its start. i had a few goals to try to achieve this year, some things i wanted to start doing to feel more myself, and to allow myself to be open to whatever was meant for me. i believe i made a good attempt at those things. i became an active participant in my own life. i forgave myself for being a person, for the shame and guilt ingrained in me in advocating for myself, and for my inexperience in living. i openly embraced the hurt with the knowledge that i could move on, and that what would come after would be better for me. i did it scared, and sometimes alone. and i kept looking for joy in everything, even and precisely when it was difficult to do so.
the colder months are flying by, and every time i feel like i have caught up, another month ends, and i am scattered again, trying to grasp it before it passes me by. it’s been incredibly stressful and busy over the past few months, but i’ve adjusted to new rituals and routines, and tried to keep on top of things generally. i felt the winter sun on my face a few days ago, and it felt so healing, the way it filtered through the trees and the light filled every crevice of the landscape. dawn and dusk in winter are so beautiful, it really feels like, within all the darkness, the warmth, colour, and light hold something gentle, especially for me.
the past few months have taught me that you really do have to visit that art gallery in the late afternoon, even when you have other things to do, or to go for that morning walk or to watch the sunrise, even if you’re tired and it involves waking up earlier, or to make conversation on the train. that you have to do all these things despite, and precisely because, it can be hard to do them, but in the end, they will save you.
i’m trying to be more active and intentional in what i do, and interrogate how i feel about things when i do them. i’m trying to express how i feel, what i think, and what i want. maybe it doesn’t always come across to others in the best way, but i just want to be heard, seen, and understood. i know that we all want this. i have grown up shrinking myself and my needs, all to be a shell of a person, and i refuse to do that anymore.
this year has been one of incredible self-growth. i have done many scary things and encountered various difficult situations. instead of shying away from them and avoiding them as a past version of myself would have, i have faced them head-on, and have felt much better and myself as a result.
i’ve been looking back at photos & diary entries of 2025, and it’s really hitting me how much has happened this year. i have done so many wonderful things to be proud of & spent lots of time in wonderful places and with wonderful people. things that felt so poignant last year feel much less heavy this year. there has been so much change in so many areas of my life, but i believe that i have handled them with grace. it’s been so beautiful to see this self-assuredness and confidence seep into the different areas of my life, and i have found so much clarity in my future, in myself, and in my love for life through this.
i chase light & attribute significance to everything. and i can’t help but remember.
i don’t have anything new to say about the despair and violence of the world. it is unfathomable that we are presented with suffering and death so ubiquitously, with no real consequence, and that we increasingly hold an apathetic disposition towards it. in these quiet days at the end of the year, i wonder how we should grieve the pain and celebrate the beauty of the world at the same time. i don’t have the answer, but i think that there is one in the vastness of tenderness and resistance and resilience that exudes from our little world.
“now that i’ve survived when does living begin?”
derrick austin, tenderness
it’s cold and dark, and it’s winter. the days are flying by, and i feel overwhelmed with the amount of things i have to try and get done within them. i wish i could be winding down and appreciating this time of year, it doesn’t seem possible at the moment. but i know there are moments in between where i feel so much joy, and hope, and laughter, and tenderness. and i look forward to days where there is time and rest and ease.
so much of life is out of our hands, but we are so incredibly privileged in having the choice to be generous with our love, be curious about life, and do things that bring us joy and fulfilment. we get to find refuge in the little rituals that become acts of devotion to ourselves. we get to extend care and grace to strangers. all these things are in our control, and we should never forget that.
“i’ve lived through such terrible times and there are people who live through much worse. but you see them living anyway. when they’re more spirit than body, more sores than skin, when they’re burned and in agony, when flies lay eggs in the corners of the eyes of their children - they live. death usually has to take life away. i don’t know if that’s just the animal. i don’t know if it’s not braver to die, but i recognize the habit; the addiction to being alive. so we live past hope. if i can find hope anywhere, that’s it, that’s the best i can do. it’s so much not enough. it’s so inadequate. but still bless me anyway. i want more life”
angels in america (1993) by tony kushner
i want to do things slowly. to chew on a sentence, turn it over in the mouth, dissect and split the words apart when i read and write. i want to try and love the people in my life better. to try and get to know the parts of people that i’m not fully able to grasp. i want to be passionate, smart, and sincere. to move with patience, intuition, and earnestness. i want to get in touch with the feelings i felt as a child to make up for what i feel i missed because i am still her, so i am still learning how to be. i want to be a witness to the pain of others and make people feel seen and understood. to look ahead with curiosity, joy, and excitement rather than mistrust and fear. and i want to meet whatever comes to me fully.
i love this gentle little life of mine. i hope you love yours too.
Happy belated birthday twin!!! I hope this year brings you more magic than all of the years before combined!! 🌀🪄
that was beautiful and grounding, happy new year tiya💟