#48
on the tenderness of ephemerality
dear you,
i hope you are doing well. things have been very busy lately, and i have been feeling very exhausted. but i hope that wherever you are, you are taking care of yourself and shining so brightly!
it is late spring, and everything is different now.
i have been trying to be present with myself and my routines lately, spending time doing nice things in the sun, and approaching each day with wonder and openness. i am feeling very aware of the transience of all the little moments that make up the whole these days, and i want to bear witness to them as best as i can.
things are incredibly difficult, scary, and sad sometimes, but i feel so lucky to be able to see so much beauty in life, and attempt to embody it. i often feel very terrified of everything, which makes it difficult to live in the world sometimes, especially when it is with things i enjoy or care about deeply. it feels like a disservice to myself to be unable to express myself in the ways that i want to, and communicate it to those around me, to feel so much shame and guilt in existing sometimes. but i’m starting to see it through a different perspective - perhaps rather than a lack, this ease is something that i can cultivate within myself, something i can work on and practice, something that will eventually fall into place. maybe i have been partaking in this process for a while already.
when i was younger, i struggled to find permission to be myself, and felt a need to mould myself to what i thought others wanted from me. who i was and how i acted depended on being a canvas for others to project upon. i think that even then, i could feel the injustice of doing this to myself. getting older has been a process of making space to find out who i am, of accepting myself, and expressing this freely. over the past few years, i have slowly nurtured a relationship with myself to feel secure and assured. i cling to my selfhood now in hopes it will never be taken from me again, and so that i may share it with those around me.
i will always stop to smell the flowers even if things are difficult.
i have been trying to honour the fast pace of life by slowing down and revelling in each moment. i’ve been doing things that make me feel happy and alive, and trying to see what it means to share this with others.
i feel impossibly lucky. i want to appreciate and be present in this moment, for i know that i will never get it again. it’s nearly halfway through the year: what is next scares me, but i don’t see the need to stress for what is still yet to come. i trust myself, and trust that i will figure it out when the time comes.
early spring came and went, and things feel so different now in so many different ways. i think life is about coming to terms with these changes again and again. everything i lose creates space for everything i need. i am reconciling with the temporariness of life. march’s sea of daffodils and crocuses, bare sunlit branches, and cold, pink, and orange dusks are a distant memory. april’s blossoms are disappearing to make way for the golden light of may and the abundance of green in the summer months. i miss the magnolias and tulips, but i appreciate the presence of the wisteria and bluebells, and i anticipate surrounding myself with the sweet roses of summer soon.
i was sitting on a bench in the gardens this week, and it was the most beautiful and peaceful morning. i had my eyes closed and face tilted to the sky, and could feel the gentle light of the sun on my eyelids, the warmth shifting back and forth from the breeze tickling a branch. at one point, a man walked by and exclaimed, ‘this is so blissful, the sun and the surroundings. we need to soak all of this in while we can’. i thought that moment was so sweet, and the uncontrollable smile it brought upon me has not left me since.
i have spent a lot of time alone this spring; it has been wonderful to bear witness to this version of myself at a sort of crossroads or turning point. i went to the beach today and it was such a lovely, slow day. sitting in front of the sea was so peaceful, and i needed it at a time where it feels like everything is moving so fast, and i can’t catch up. although i have been making the most of the sun and everything it has made golden over the past few months, there have been moments of anxiety, uncertainty, and sadness. i’ve been feeling so many different emotions about so many different things, so it was nice to let time stop for a while.
i feel a sense of contentment right now that i am desperately trying to hold on to. i know there are a lot of anxieties, fears, and feelings of shame and guilt about different things, but i feel so grateful that in the past few years, i have been able to build on a good relationship with myself so that i feel secure and trust in myself, and deal with these different feelings when they arise. it’s been so wonderful to see that growth in myself in this journey of finding ease.
i feel so connected to life right now, and every moment is so special. for the first time in my life, i feel such affinity for my environments, routines, and everything within these that i almost don’t want things to change. but i realise this is a privilege and a wonderful thing to feel. little did my younger self, who thought that perhaps these simple things—ease, love, friendship—were not meant for her, know that i would ever feel this way. i’m thinking about her these days, and feel excited to grow and experience so much more for her.
i hope i will always have these feelings of gladness to be alive on this earth. and i hope that i will have courage whenever this becomes difficult.
i hope the same for you.
This is just so beautiful
Ironically these gentle thoughts and reflections have been entering my mind recently too! Proud of us💕