#44
on transformation and healing
dear you,
i hope the end of your year has been calm and kind + i hope the year ahead is full of joy and blessings for you. i hope it feels as warm and hopeful as the sun and like a breath of fresh air. i hope you feel held when it gets difficult and know that you are loved despite it all. happy new year <3
the last week of the year always feels a bit strange, caught in a lull between celebration, rest, and the promise of new beginnings. time feels infinite yet fragile and soft and transient. nostalgia meets presence as you walk home in the evening and see all the little lights in everyone’s houses. it’s no different or less warm than the light in the eyes of those you love. beauty in what was once mundane. i am reminded of all of the differing parts of myself that make up the whole. i think life is just that; little moments where you feel like yourself or just a distinct sense of oneness with the world or something higher. it’s so beautiful.
i love the new year and the ritual of it all. i get a bit overwhelmed by the pressure of it in the cultural imagination with the overhaul of mood boards and ins and outs lists, but i do enjoy reading a lot of them and i love the inspiration of it all. i’m naturally a very reflective person so i love to use the moment as an excuse to consider the year, my achievements, the places i’ve visited, the people, and just appreciate everything that brought me joy. my birthday falls two days before new years eve so it naturally becomes an important point for me, allowing me to find the motivation to change things i want to, or to just think about how i feel.
this year has been full of so much transformation and change. i’ve felt a lot of pressure in a lot of aspects of my life, perhaps mostly from myself and my expectations of myself. i’ve felt uncertain about so many things but i feel so grateful for it all. i’ve learnt so much about myself this year and i’m finding fulfilment, clarity, inspiration and joy in life and things i love which is everything to me. i’ve tried a lot of new things this year and left my comfort zone a lot which is something i wanted to do more. it’s been so good to look at myself kindly and as a person even if i have not felt good towards myself at all times. i feel so present and connected to this version of myself and strangely accepting of it being subject to change and loss. i am anticipating the future’s uncertainty and transience but i am accepting everything as it comes. i will figure it out in due time. one day i will be nostalgic for this moment.
i am glad for the end even if it’s not a remotely certain one. i feel a presence of possibility i did not have at the start of the year.
the promise of newness is scary. the responsibility of taking what you have and moulding it into something else. but i know this transformation of thought and feeling and action will bring meaning and possibility. nothing will change unless you use what you have at your disposal to change it. there is still time.
“you listen and you know / you could live a better life than you do, be / softer, kinder. and maybe this year you will / be able to do it”
mary oliver, north country
i’m starting to see that there are no rules to life. you can always start again and do things differently and be kinder and gentler to yourself and those around you. the past does not define you. you can take steps to improve your reality all the time, even when you don’t feel worthy or that it can change the past. you always have the chance and choice to do what is right for yourself and your life even if its difficult. i will be kinder and love harder and do things that i can be proud of. i will rest when i need to and try to ask for help if i need it. i will accept myself and do more to experience life fully. there will be so much love.
it’s strange to reach ages you didn’t think you would reach or that sounded strange when you were younger. but it’s strangely healing.
it really feels like i'm slowly becoming the woman i want to be which is so beautiful to me. i hope my younger self is happy with the person i am trying to become.
i don’t have much but i have all this love and i think that’s enough.
ur brain is so beautiful tiya. such a blessing to get to read ur thoughts <3
Happy belated birthday💞