#43
on embracing the ebbs and flows of living
dear you,
i hope the end of the year is calm and full of warmth and joy for you and your loved ones. you deserve rest. you deserve contentment. you deserve good things.
i have been thinking a lot about the past year recently. it’s been so important for me for so many reasons. it feels like i have been doing the work for my future self to have a healthier relationship with myself and the world. naturally, it has prompted reflection on my younger self and i’ve been thinking about how she couldn’t be herself fully. it has been years since, and i have gotten out of the environment and headspace but only now am i feeling safe enough to attempt to be myself as fully as i can.
i think the trajectory of my life has meant that i have had to build a good relationship with myself and this relationship has become the single most important thing for me. i value the time i spend alone and need solitude to function, but it’s been difficult to cultivate a healthy balance between my relations with others and feelings of loneliness. i am so grateful for all the love in my life and to have such wonderful people around me, and i have felt so lucky to connect with people in so many new and wonderful ways. but i’m realising just how little time i spend outside of myself and my head. i have felt so disconnected from people this year and it has only bittersweetly occurred to me when i have spent time with people.
does accepting and working on myself as i am require so much loneliness?
lately, i keep trying to force a fresh start from little mental epiphanies and getting disappointed when things feel the same. i’m realising that i need to slow down and be with my mental state even if it is difficult. i can’t show up everywhere in my life the way i would like to and be completely present at all times. i need to listen to my body and mind and recognise that i am doing the best i can and that its okay if i can’t do more than that.
i think life is all about a continuous ebb and flow of hope and change. it’s about grappling with the shame of wanting to be known, seen, understood and loved. it’s about trying and be present in all situations, and to try to embrace everything that comes, even if it is loss or regret. it’s about considering how to be authentic to yourself, and to allow yourself to change and grow. it’s to accept that all relationships are subject to the same transcience you feel in yourself. it’s to recognise that sometimes things can feel incredibly raw and sometimes things are easier to accept. it’s to embrace the mystery of life and how our lack of knowledge can mystify us. feeling the multiplicity of these things means that we are alive.
i feel so protective of myself these days. of my time and energy and who receives it. i have felt so close and connected to myself this year which has opened me up to seeing so many different parts of myself that i didn’t realise existed, or could be appreciated and loved. i want to let go of anything that interferes with my love for life. i want to pour more into people who see me for who i am and treat me accordingly. i want to pour more into my hobbies, what moves me, and what makes me feel alive. i want to put myself and my love for the world first.
this moment feels like a crossroads. it feels like there is so much to do, so much expected of me, and so much i expect of myself. the weight of the past and the tapestry of connections it holds create the lines on my palms and body. it’s so easy to get lost in and consumed in all of that, and to become stagnant, doing nothing at all. but i feel gratitude for it all. i feel grateful to be able to learn new things every day. i feel grateful to experience new things even if it is not always good. i feel grateful to be alive despite its frequent discomfort and unravelling. i have bruises that don’t hurt anymore. things may be hard but i know it means something or will mean something soon.
the only way to get what i want is to be brave enough to actively move towards it. i believe any momentary discomfort will be worth living my life in a way that my heart calls for. i have to make room for new experiences. i’ve grown up scared that this world can barely fit me into it, but that’s not true—i can fit the whole world inside of me, and appreciating the little moments of the everyday makes up the grander portrait of my life.
i welcome it all with open arms.