#42
on embracing change and loss
dear you,
i hope november has been gentle to you. i’m wishing you moments of warmth and joy as it gets colder and darker <3
i’ve been thinking about the passage of time lately; the changing light of late autumn as a witness.
the past few months have been so busy and overwhelming. it has felt like everything is always there and i can’t switch off or keep up; there’s always something. i had a moment where i was sitting on a bench as the sun set, and i felt almost paralysed thinking about how strange and tumultuous this period of my life feels. i am so aware of time, yet the transience of life slips through my fingers. still, i’m clinging on to the present moment even in its fragile state. things always get harder before they get better.
life is so short and everything changes so fast.
the past year has fundamentally changed me. i’ve noticed that it’s all about reparenting yourself and rewiring your thoughts so that you don’t slip into negative patterns of thinking and being. taking a situation and being present in that moment, even when it is difficult or exhausting. learning about yourself and the people around you. doing what makes you feel alive. creating your own joy. coming to terms with loss and change.
“we eat the year away. we eat the spring and the summer and the fall. we wait for something to grow and then we eat it”
shirley jackson, we have always lived in the castle
i always think about ask polly’s “I AM VERY YOUNG AND I AM STILL LEARNING HOW TO LIVE”. it opened up an acceptance of myself as i am, and allowed me to extend grace and forgive myself. i know i am not the best daughter or sister or friend, i shut down or lash out when i am hurt, but i try again and again and again. it isn’t easy to take steps to be kind and authentic consistently but gratitude shapes reality. i am always aware of the magic of getting to exist on this planet, and i am grateful to have little moments that remind me of it when i forget.
lately, it feels like the universe is shifting and everything is finding its place. i feel the most myself than i have ever felt, and it feels like my life has been a preparation for this moment. this version of myself, the people around me, and the life i am living.
“i looked at my mother because i was a version of my mother. i looked away from my mother because i was a version of my mother. i was me, but i was also her—my mother, and i understood this all too well”
nora lange, dog star
you are the only thing that can save you.
i’m feeling the weight of endings this winter. it is difficult to see the end of things as anything good. it’s a bittersweet feeling but whatever you have lends different ways to experience life and see yourself in relation to life. i love how every single person in my life makes me feel so differently and unlocks different sides of me. i love how we are capable of so many different ways of loving and being loved. most of our stories are endlessly layered, making them rich and meaningful, and allowing us to connect and think about things differently. things may be different in a month, a year, or a decade but i can still approach the weight of life with the same hope, love and sincerity. it is worth it to love and lose.
i feel more at peace with letting go of people these days. i think your love for someone is what makes them special. if the love between you is a part of you, there isn’t necessarily a loss. things may be different but you can still find love again, or maintain and cultivate it differently if it hasn’t fully disappeared. it’s customary to shield your heart and take precautions under the guise of protection when you feel hurt or lose people, but you have to keep your heart open. i think there are different ways to love people, and i’m trying to embrace the uncertainty that comes with this.
“perhaps love is to give one’s own solitude to others, for it is the very last thing we have to offer”
clarice lispector
the cure for deep-rooted dissatisfaction with life is sentimentality. not blind sentimentality but intentional and purposeful sentimentality. experiencing and watching things change, and feeling blessed to feel so much and have space to accept it all. it’s never an ending but a beginning. there is still time to get where i want to be, even if that is not a specific place.
i love witnessing the little parts of people’s days. walking past a man and woman having a cigarette in the cold evening, and seeing the smoke and their laughter intertwining in the night sky. watching a boy embrace his grandparents as they got off the train. watching the old man sitting near me in the library spend his morning doing the crosswords and sudoku in the newspaper. all these moments build a tapestry of the love and passion that exists around me. it makes me want to love and be loved, even if imperfect, even if for a short amount of time.
i hope i die warmed by the life that i have tried to live and love.
Your words always come at the perfect time, Tiya <3 thank you for this