#40
on returning to yourself
dear you,
i hope that wherever you are, september is golden and warmed by the love in your heart. may your trials end in full bloom.
it’s september. there’s a chill in the morning air, the leaves are changing colour and falling, and autumn is nearly here. i’m trying to memorise how the sun illuminates the leaves and trees so beautifully in the morning and the feeling of walking under the evening light. i want to remember these little golden moments for when summer will be tucked away in the pages of book put away without finishing, and i’ll ache to feel the gentle warmth of the sun on my back in the cold and dark winter.
this summer has been strange. i feel like so much happened and yet i feel like nothing has happened really. i felt somewhat disconnected from the people in my life and the world as it passed me by this august, but i tried to hold this with grace and patience. i’ve been slowly letting go of things that do not serve me anymore, and reconnecting with the parts of myself i abandoned to survive. growth is painful, and i am reminding myself that i can make mistakes and forgive myself again and again, and that i can always find room in my heart for new things and feelings and people and love. i have mixed feelings about summer’s end but i am grateful to have been able to learn so many new things, meet so many lovely people, and do so many wonderful things.
“and at certain moments time is obliterated in the presence of somebody you love; there seems to be a transcendence of time in love. or i believe that there is. i carry a lot of people with me that aren’t here anymore. and so love transcends time. the normal markers of the day, the month, the year, as you get older those very fearsome markers… in the presence of love - they lose some of their power. but it also deals with the deterioration of your physical body. it drifts away. it’s just a part of your life. but beauty remains. it’s about two people and you visit that place in each other’s faces. not just the past and today, but you visit the tomorrows in that person’s face now. and everybody knows what that holds”
bruce springsteen explains the line “i don’t see the summer as it wanes, just the subtle change of light upon your face” in his song ‘kingdom of days’
“yes i know: the thread you have to keep finding, over again, to follow it back to life; i know. impossible, sometimes.
jean valentine
it’s so surreal to know you’re in a transitional stage of your life. it’s exciting and terrifying and grief-filled and joyous all at once. these days i’m trying to become an active participant in my life and figure out how to be true to myself as i am confronted with new situations and life changes. it’s the most terrifying and thrilling thing you can do, but i feel like it’s the only thing worth doing.
“and you ask yourself: where are your dreams? and you shake your head and say: how quickly do the years fly by! and again you ask yourself: what have you done with your years? where have you buried your best days? did you live or not?”
fyodor dostoyevsky, white nights
i read somewhere that ‘you don’t have to punish yourself for leading with sensitivity, but you do have to be intentional about it’, and it resonated so much with me. i’m realising a lot about myself as i grow older and change and experience people and myself in different settings. teenagehood was about trying to figure out who i am within these settings and i don’t know if i’ve fully figured it out but i know more about myself now. this phase of my life is more about who i can be, and i feel like i’m becoming more and more myself. there’s bravery in being soft.
is this a life? i ruminate on my dreams while brushing my teeth. notice the way the light slips in on a morning. smell the late summer flowers. make a cup of coffee. examine the faces of people on my commute. watch the town stir to life. feel the sun on my face while i eat lunch on a bench in the park. sit by the water and watch the ducks. feel close to the meaning of life when i learn new things. see the fields pass by with herds of sheep and cows grazing. flip a page in the book i’ve been reading for months. wish i was more than an afterthought. think about the love that hands create and the stories that they tell. struggle to put things into words. do things alone because i’m still spending time with the world.
growth also feels like loss. everything is always changing and i wish i could hold onto some moments forever. it hurts to be the one who remembers. i know i can’t wrap my arms around memories but i still like to try.
an old friend messaged me recently because she found a note i left in her pencil case years ago. it was from a time when we both felt alone in a difficult environment, and love felt foreign, so our unlikely friendship meant everything. i couldn’t even remember what i had written on the note but it’s so sweet that one little action could mean so much even many years later. it’s always about old friends, isn’t it?
i am learning to let my heart open up and take my joy seriously.
i want to make the most out of the rest of the year. i want to hold autumn’s light in my hands and hug everyone i know. i want to learn new things and write often. i want to read in coffee shops and smell good. i want to buy flowers from the neighbourhood bakery and see my friends. i want to walk by the river on crisp mornings and browse the markets. i want to sing along to my favourite songs in the car and listen to the rain on the roof at night. i want to soak up all that these moments can offer, and let myself get lost in the gentleness of the world.
i am doing better than i was. and it’ll only get better. there are joys i will only know in adulthood, and then in elderliness. maturity does not signify the loss of love, experience, hope or beauty. sometimes you’re just scared of getting what you want, life may have taught you that you won’t come out on the other side. but what if you hold an entire world in your heart? what if you let it come home?
my life is just beginning.
Love this one ❤️
brilliant and beautiful as always, thank you for sharing tiya <3