dear you,
the mornings are getting brighter, the evenings are getting lighter, the flowers are blooming, and somehow it is spring <3
wishing you a season full of light, love, warmth and peace :)
as i write this, the birds are singing, dawn is breaking and it is a new day. the past years have taken so much away, but i’m realising it’s left only the bare necessities. i am slowly contending with parts of me i can’t change, and falling in love with the life i am creating for myself.
i’m starting to enjoy the discomfort that comes with growth. i crave control and routine so i struggle a lot when that feels disrupted. but i’m learning that the way i deal with this and regulate my emotions can give me release and relief.
growth feels uncomfortable because you’ve outgrown the old ways of being within yourself, and the new ways of being still aren’t familiar so they feel unsafe. at the same time, there are parts of your old self that you miss, but also fear of a new chapter because you’ve never done it before. i know that once this period of distress is over, good will come, so i’m trying to give myself the grace and opportunity to see what i can learn and to take a breath. we are so unkind to ourselves in ways we would never even think to be to others. i’m trying to extend myself the same respect and compassion as i would to anyone else, especially when it feels like i am doing more than i am capable of and can’t show up as myself. i can breathe. i can relax. even when it feels like i am failing myself.
i am safe in my own hands.
i love humans. i love everyone who smiles at me or is kind to me. i love people who read on the train. i love the man i saw walking with a big fluffy white dog. i love the barista who gave me my matcha. i love the old woman doing her crossword at the train station. i love strangers who smile so brightly at you for no actual reason. when you hold the door open, or let them pass and they smile, or when they just smile in acknowledgement of you. i just love humans so much and i don’t think we need to be tentative in expressing love, and expressing it often. we are here for a very finite amount of time and as i get older, i become more and more aware of this fact.
i watched ‘perfect days’ this month. it was so beautiful. it’s a meditation on the appreciation and vulnerability of life. of finding beauty in small, authentic moments. the perfect day does not exist but it is necessary to embrace life as it comes.
soft afternoon light reflecting in the kitchen while waiting for tea to be ready, walking out in the morning with the air of a new season on your skin, occasional connections with strangers, noticing the daylight lasting a little longer in the evenings near another spring, seeing a homeless person dance, being an everyday regular so your order is ready, looking up to the stars and seeing them for what feels like the first time, going to the same restaurant every week, listening to a good song you haven't heard in a while, getting caught in an unexpected downpour, falling asleep while reading.
spending days waiting for better days. waiting quietly, restlessly, alone, among a crowd. doesn't the present already hold within itself the promise of perfect moments that shouldn't be lost to a vague hopeful fantasy of the future? do two shadows get any darker when they're together? disruption eventually leading to continuation, feeling every emotion at once, and still, moving towards the endless possibilities of a new imperfect day. being happy to live as it is, even if the world is so sad.
it’s crazy how you slowly or suddenly find clarity in living. it's a friday morning and you're on the train and there's a sliver of orange and pink in the horizon, a remnant of the sunrise and you realise that you feel so much lighter and full of understanding and love despite the uncertainties and challenges of the world. sometimes you find yourself dealing with things you didn’t take the time to process and heal from, and you realise how many feelings you’ve repressed about the situation. i am reminding myself these days that i am very very young and i am still learning how to live. it’s good to learn new things and grow into a new person, that’s just life. i’ll make mistakes, and that’s okay it’s all a part of living. i just want to do as much as i can with what i have in this life.
the world is on fire and the genocides continue and yet there is life and love and community. and sometimes i don’t know how to reconcile the fact that those extremes of horror and beauty could exist in the same world at the same moment and what my place is within that, but they do and we have to, and get to, hold it.
Perfect Days was perfect!
I love this 💌