#3
on growth and renewal
dear you,
i hope that the arrival of spring (if that applies to you), is bringing you peace, with the stirring of the earth and nature waking up. i hope the blooming of tulips and daffodils and the sun on your face is healing. i’ve noticed mornings have become even more beautiful lately — waking up to the sun pouring through my windows, and the way light reflects throughout the house.
on that note, i decided to write about common themes associated with the season: growth and renewal. i want to note that i am not talking here about the experience of growing up which does link to this but how often we use the change of the season as a springboard to reassess goals / progress. i hope that if youre partaking in that process, youre able to do that healthily and it proves fruitful :’)
sylvia plath
i think it is important to preface that growth is often misunderstood due to an instagram-self-help-book type phenomenon where healing has become this reductive, simple, just-be-kind, go-for-a-walk type attitude. it’s actually not dissimilar from the general attitude to mental health / mental illness in today’s age actually where destigmatisation has failed and instead introduced an infographic, buzzword culture where normal emotions are forgotten / ignored and everything is diminished to the core. experiences are compartmentalised and although not completely shunned like in the past, things have gone in the opposite direction, resulting in an entirely unserious approach.
i had a conversation recently with a friend at a coffee shop recently about how much we forget the impact of growth and how uncomfortable it actually is. it is probably a result of this aestheticised version of growth that is sold to us that i was just talking about. but the fact is, growth IS uncomfortable and includes reflection, mourning, silence, space, self-forgiveness, maturity, rest, and responsibility. you are forced to recognise truths that have been perhaps, unhealthily and unconsciously, serving you and to let go of those. growth is painful (hence the term ‘growing pains’) and change is painful, but not as painful as the stagnancy in a place you don’t belong.
i finished reading bell hooks’ ‘all about love: new visions’ recently and this excerpt really stood out to me.
“james baldwin writes about suffering in the healing process, stating: “i do not mean to be sentimental about suffering—but people who cannot suffer can never grow up, can never discover who they are”. growing up, is at heart, the process of learning to take responsibility for whatever happens in your life. to choose growth is to embrace a love that heals”
bell hooks
i think it is worthy to comment on how often suffering is normalised in the sense that we all go through it and it’s an integral part of the Human Experience. i agree that it is true, however, i think the discussion should be centred on why that is, and how to tackle that instead of just wholeheartedly accepting that fate. i think it’s also important to remember not to determine your growth on this suffering and instead find other outlets to track progress.
otessa moshfegh, my year of rest and relaxation
healing is a daily event. you must go inward and have a commitment to do the work. you are responsible for the process. dr nicola lepera talks about in her ‘how to do the work’ how “small and consistent choices are the path to deep transformation”. many things are beyond our control but most things relating to mind, body and soul harness the power of choice and choice enables healing.
change can be overwhelming. this is because your subconscious mind fulfils its role of keeping you safe and is threatened by change. we experience a “pull toward the familiar” in discomforts as we change. making small and consistent choices, therefore, helps to maintain change and taking responsibility for your mental wellness, though intimidating, can be beneficial.
mary oliver, letter to ____
something that interests me about growth is something i’ve realised a lot. sometimes growth can be so confusing that you don’t even recognise it is happening. i think alice walker, in ‘living by the word’, touches on this. we feel almost hostile, angry, sad, or exhausted and we are unsure why. she mentions how “it would never occur to us” unless we stumbled across a book or a person who explained it to us, that we were in a process of change. this feeling is anything but pleasant and she compares it to us feeling like a “young seed”, feeling the “weight and inertia of the earth”, as it seeks to “break out of its shell” and become a plant. she talks about how the most unpleasant thing here is not knowing. how we seem to be waiting, holding our breath and unsure what our next step will be. she concludes that we realise here that this will be revealed and that we are entering a new phase in life and ourselves.
ada limon, the burying beetle
reminders (mostly to myself) :
celebrate life but also be mindful of and embrace death — this can heighten and enhance the way you interact with the world and people. live consciously.
something good is always coming.
start slow and gradually lean into consistency rather than changing things entirely and immediately. take into account your readiness and don’t compare yourself to others. time can be useful to measure progress but remember its futility and enjoy the present rather than worrying about the past and future.
rest. take breaks and take care of yourself in ways you can. the world can wait.
take note of the mundane. small shifts in stimuli are simple and are good for your mental state. change your sheets, take a shower, go to sleep early, watch the sunrise, finger paint, sit by the window, dress how you wish, sit outside, open a window and let fresh air in, have a nice breakfast, walk in the rain.
don’t dwell. think less about what you can’t change and more on things / people that make you happy and that you love.
life will be wonderful because will make it wonderful. it will be full of love because you are full of love.
don’t live life like a prequel. don’t think of it in terms of ‘once i __’ but inhabit your life completely.
be kind to past versions of yourself that didn’t know the things you know now. they were still you and that is okay.
you are allowed to take up space and exist. don’t downplay things you care about, your hopes, your passions, your thoughts etc and own your own value and sense of self.
daily gratitude. be kind to yourself and proud of both your wins and losses. try to say yes to receiving help/support/love to cultivate abundance.
break the fixation on love as the cure of all your ills.
spend time with friends and people you love.
consume media that reflects reality. i mean this in the sense of restricting to popular media where people are sculpted and airbrushed. engage with reality and be kind to those around you.
write. and write badly. get ideas out of your head and exercise expression.
if you have to look back, look forgivingly. if you have to look forward, look prayerfully. but try to be in the present, gratefully.
no love is lost. you haven’t wasted love on the wrong people. the love that you’ve poured out to people will come back in different ways. love is not expendable and can’t be measured / contained. it is essential and abundant and will find its way back to you.
express tenderness to yourself. treat the mundane as adventurous, give yourself days to be quiet and pass time slowly like reading, keep a non-performative place to express yourself whether that’s journaling or art, use screen time for inspiration, create more than you consume.
stop apologising for yourself. be present. make art. take chances. learn.
stand by your boundaries.
failure is stagnancy not sinking. learn from mistakes and try harder.
love people for who they are and not who you want them to be.
baby steps are okay. it is better to do things poorly than not at all.
be. stop people-pleasing and caring about being liked. people will gravitate towards you if you just let them.
you are not for everyone. you are for you. impress yourself. stretch yourself. be the best version of you that you can be.
emancipate yourself from shame. shame creates imaginary worlds inside your head. putting love out also means extending yourself the same grace, compassion, patience, and understanding you so readily extend towards others. acknowledge reality as subjective and nuanced and allow yourself and others imperfection. growth thrives on imperfection.
be authentic in what you do.
remember simple things like the smell of coffee, the way sunlight bounces off a window, the sound of your favourite person laughing, the colour of the sky at dusk.
you will love and you will survive. everything happens for a reason and you’ll realise why it had to happen the way it did - to guide and redirect you to where you were meant to be. trust the process of your growth.
we exist for love.
i hope you enjoyed that <3