#22

on finding happiness in the little things

dear you,

i hope the new year has been treating you kindly. i hope you are feeling safe, loved, and understood. i hope that within the busyness and chaos of life, you have ways of unwinding and resting.

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january often feels so long and grey. it’s one of those months where you experience every feeling on the human spectrum and you just have to go about your day like that isn’t happening. the highest of highs and lowest of lows.

victoria chang, ‘garden’ from the trees witness everything

lately, i've been trying to focus only on things in my control and not take things too seriously. i read somewhere that when you feel down, that is when you need more of your own love, not less + that's stuck w me.

i’m trying not to deny myself good things and i’m trying to make the effort to go outside more and move my body. i’m trying to spend time with people who fill my cup and trying to be more present in the moment. i'm reminding myself that i am human and it is okay to feel things. i am trying my best.

i feel like i am coming home to myself.

“suddenly i realise / that if i stepped out of my body / i would break / into blossom”

james wright, a blessing

i went for a long walk the other day. i had spent a few days stuck in my head a bit so i knew what i needed was to move my body, go for a little walk and get out of it. i thought a bit about how sometimes we become so desperate for joy, especially when things are rough that we look for grand gestures. we forget that it is actually really simple: like the feeling of the sun on your skin, when that specific part of a song hits, receiving a kind smile from a stranger, when the temperature and sweetness of tea are just right.

i have the tendency to focus more on negative feelings when they come, than positive feelings which are more of an afterthought. i really want to be more present in my happiness, even if its the smallest feeling. i want to cherish it. i want to feel it fully. and i want it to show.

the message in my fortune cookie last week! i truly wanted to cry when i read it because it was so right <3

i’ve been thinking about vulnerability and shame, especially how the fears around them obstruct happiness.

there is a terrible loneliness and hopelessness that comes with a refusal to be vulnerable and there is an unbearable feeling of shame of being perceived as having feelings, whether it is desire or hurt or love.

c.j. hauser, the crane wife

richard siken, a primer for the small weird loves

the village (2004)

anne carson, red doc

i read this ask polly post earlier.

here are some bits that shook me:

the ask polly post

i’ve also been thinking about love (god i know i always find myself here, but what else is there?) and how multiform it is. friendship and family and romance, and even the unspeakable bond between strangers. how it is present in even the simplest of actions: someone asking if you’ve eaten, bringing you a coffee or food you like, sharing a blanket, cooking for you, letting you know how they are spending the day, and asking about yours, knowing how you like your food, wanting to know everything about you, helping you wear your jewelry, waiting with you, feeding you, taking care of you, giving you the first slice of food, sending you pictures of things they think you’d like, wanting to make you happy, giving you space but being there for you and not letting you feel alone. it truly is the most beautiful thing in the simplest of ways. i love it when loving feels like second nature. when you just can’t help it. when loving someone is the easiest thing to do. when they feel like home. when the effort is easy. when it feels like fate. love: making magic from the mundane. we have to love to survive. love makes us human.

dante emile, it’s winter, i’m not in love yet but i’d like to be

i found a bunch of old postcards in an antique store a few days ago. i spent so long sifting through them that my legs got tired from standing, but it was so lovely. they dated so far back — it felt so warm and surreal to know that humans, even a hundred years ago visited places and wanted to tell their loved ones, i am here and i am thinking of you. even in these beautiful landscapes, i am reminded of your importance to me, we are intertwined despite distance or time.

this is one i really liked :-)

life is so short and transient but it is beautiful.

it’s often dark when i walk home in winter and there’s a little alleyway that i have to walk down to get to my house. it’s a bit of a steep hill but there is a view of the park and the moon. it is quiet and the bare trees stand tall. it is also quite dark aside from the light from the windows of houses on the street and the dim street lamp in the middle of the path. right in front, though, is a warm light that shines through the trees. it sounds silly but it’s truly so comforting to see it after a long day. it serves as a reminder of life and that i am here on this gentle earth. the neighbor’s cat often hears me walking down and runs to me which makes it even more precious.

it’s such a small moment that i forget about it until i’m in it again a day later but it truly means so much to me and i wanted to share it with you.

it reminds me of this little part i read recently from plath’s journals:

“small delights— a clear winter sunset through the natural iron grillwork of black trees, a street lamp shining through ice-encased branches, blue sky glittering, and sun on ice-crusted snow. loveliness, loveliness”

sylvia plath, the unabridged journals of sylvia plath

i think it’s nice to think that the universe loves you. and that these little moments you have with the earth are little messages, especially for you. that perhaps something is out there when you feel restless or sorrowful or lonely. and that you carry something within you that means you can hold onto hope and have faith when the world is too much.

my friend sent me this little snippet from derek walcott’s ‘white egrets’:

derek walcott, ‘no opera’ from white egrets

they said it reminded them of these letters - i love it so much!

leila chatti, i went out to hear

my god. how lucky to have lived a life i would die for.

“mostly, i want to be kind”

mary oliver, dogfish

the sun was so beautiful and golden this morning. i was staring out the train window at the bare trees bathed in an orangey-pink light and the fields all white with frost. it was one of those cold mornings where the sunlight reflects everywhere and finds its way through every crack and crevice of the winter landscape. like the light, a smile found its way onto my face when the sun kissed my cold, rosy cheeks while i read my book.

zbigniew herbert, ‘three poems from the heart’ from the collected poems (1956-1998)

i am longing for spring now. i want to buy myself a little bouquet of flowers, see the world bloom again and spend time with loved ones. i've been reading a lot again and that feels so good. my favourite thing to drink while reading, especially in the colder months is jasmine milk tea and i have been comforted by many cups recently.

gabrielle bates and jennifer s. cheng, so we must meet apart

the sun will come out again soon and it will be okay.