#21

on trying and living despite

dear you,

happy new year! i am wishing you all an abundance of love and gentleness. i hope you get to spend lots of time with the earth and nature & your loved ones :’)

as always: here are some of my recent thoughts, and some things i have been reading and watching and loving <3

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““the year opens, again— (here i am. here i am.)”

j.p. berame, this year

i have been thinking a lot lately about how life is always so beautiful despite all the horrible things in it. we have the sun the moon the stars and the seas. being alive is so magical. there is always someone to love.

barbara crooker, red amaryllis

i am feeling very tired of the wringing grasp the past has on me, i am tired of feeling lonely, stagnant, and sad. so many years of my life have been stolen feeling like this, i want to kiss my younger self on the forehead and tell her i didn’t deserve any of it, and that i am here now and i am getting through it. life is truly so short and i just want to feel good things and surround myself with warmth and love. isn’t that the point of it all really?

“that life has not forgotten you, that it holds you in its hand;”

rainer maria rilke, letters to a young poet

victoria chang, ‘love letters’ from the trees witness everything

it is certainly true that so much of our worldly experience is out of our hands. but i believe we can still choose to be curious about life and be generous with our love. we can still find pleasure and refuge in our routines and care for the world and each other. these little qualities are in our control and we shouldn’t forget about them.

mary oliver, oxygen

i truly adore mary oliver and the themes in her poetry. i love the way she writes about nature and love and human connection, it’s truly so beautiful. she’s always so right about everything, like yes, truly where would i be without mother nature? mother nature who comforted me and my life on earth, with the sun kissing my skin and its twinkling light glimmering on the water. the landscapes of green and the trees. the blue lakes. the growth of fresh fruit and vegetable. the beautiful flowers of every colour. the comfort of waking up in the middle of the night to the sound of the rain hitting the roof and laying there listening quietly until eventually, it lulls you to sleep.

“there is only one question: how to love this world”

mary oliver, ‘spring’ from devotions

this month i’ve been reading ‘upstream’ by mary oliver. if you haven’t read it, it’s a collection of essays devoted to nature, writing, home, and many other wonderful musings. it has become part of a little ritual for me to wind down in the evening and ponder on a couple of pages while drinking some peppermint tea before bed.

because of my love for her poetry, i wanted to read some of her prose and so bought myself ‘upstream’ as a little birthday present to myself. i am thoroughly enjoying it. i really like how she writes about writing and art and what that means to her personally, and her conversations about whitman, poe, blake and other poets are so heartfelt and well-written.

mary oliver, upstream

i watched summer strike recently which follows yeo-rum, who moves away from her monotonous life in the city and her feelings of grief, to a small village, and eventually finds happiness.

mary oliver, upstream

although the show took a little unexpected turn, i really liked the ending. yeo-rum talks about what she thought about the concept of happiness: “according to the dictionary, happiness is a positive emotional state characterised by feelings such as contentment, joy, and life satisfaction. i think it’s too long.”

this is how she’d shorten it:

summer strike, ep12

i found that so interesting. especially because towards the end of the year, i had started to see happiness as less of a goal and more of a mindset. just like mary oliver says, we are here!! alive on this fresh earth!! so yes, standing in the kitchen waiting for the kettle to boil to make your tea is proof alone of our precious existence!!

“each of us is given only so many mornings to do it— to look around and love,”

mary oliver, ‘the deer’ from house of light

summer strike, ep12

in an interview with maria shriver, oliver was asked what she believes she’s done with her “one wild and precious life”.

she responds: “what i have done is learn to love and learn to be loved.”

“there are no events but thoughts and the heart’s hard turning, the heart’s slow learning where to love and whom. the rest is merely gossip, and tales for other times”

annie dillard

@justablueumbrella on tumblr

i think i am feeling happier lately. i am finding myself smiling more and i feel full of love. i think i'm finally truly letting go of the past and being more comfortable being myself, which makes my heart very happy. i just want to love and be loved. i want to experience beautiful moments and feel important to someone. i want to read, write, bake, create art, and dance around (very badly) to my favourite songs.

e.e. cummings, ‘if up’s the word; and a world grows greener’ from 95 poems

“the most beautiful part of your body is where it’s headed”

ocean vuong, ‘someday i’ll love ocean vuong’ from night sky with exit wounds

it will be spring before we know it.

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thankyou so so much for reading <3 i reached four hundred subscribers at the beginning of the month and i could not believe it at all — sending you all so much love and wishing you joy, tenderness and softness always!!!!!!