#20
on the ribbon of loneliness
dear you,
it is winter again, i hope you’re well.
“it is december and we must be brave”
natalie diaz, ‘manhattan is a lenape word’ from postcolonial love poem
most of us can understand the experience of loneliness. but so many find it hard to distinguish solitude and loneliness. i saw this illustration recently:
solitude is a dog holding its own leash and being free, while loneliness is fighting against a restraint placed by someone else.
“my strength is in solitude, i’m not afraid of pouring rains or great gusts of wind, for i too am the darkness of the night”
clarice lispector, the hour of the star (trans. giovanni pontiero)
being alone and being lonely are entirely different things. so many people are afraid to be alone but solitude / being alone does not equate to loneliness. i am reminded of sandra cisneros speaking about this on the ‘on being’ podcast, and how she believes “solitude is sacred”:
“it took me a long time to realise that it’s more lonely to live with someone, sometimes, than it is to be alone. took me a long time to figure that out. and i live alone now, but i’m not lonely. and i feel very loved by the universe and the trees and the clouds and the sky and the sunsets and the dogs and the people in my life… i feel a sense of contentment and joy”
sandra cisneros, in an interview with krista tippett
i think people find it very embarrassing to admit that they feel lonely. i will admit to feeling like this too.
i think it’s because we feel that it so clearly emphasises a lack in you, or that it points to there being something wrong with you. so much so that even when you have people around you, you manage to feel so alone.
but we all feel loneliness, sometime in our lives, even if we don’t admit to it. some people feel like it’s a necessary fact of our existence, the only fact of our existence, even.
this loneliness can feel very disorientating. to go through things alone. to feel like there is something wrong with you or that you don’t even exist.
but even when you feel alone, you have to remember that it’s okay. it’s okay to feel like this for periods of time and there is nothing wrong with you. you are human.
i re-read this ask polly post a few days ago.
this bit makes me so insane:
“you’re essentially throwing yourself into another destructive, loneliness-inducing obsession, one that leaves you feeling empty, abandoned, and out of control, but that keeps you coming back for more simply because these are the emotions that feel the most familiar to you. you’re addicted to loneliness and desperation. it’s the strongest emotion you’ve ever known, so your subconscious tells you that it’s your destiny”
ask polly: help, i'm the loneliest person in the world!
often, even if we surround ourselves with community, loneliness seeps through. this can be because we either unconsciously self-sabotage and attach ourselves to people in unhealthy ways.
but this bit stuck out to me the most:
because we ARE young !!! and we can build a good relationship with ourselves so that when we do feel alone, we can help ourselves to deal with it and not do things that harm us.
we can go within, and then reach outwards. we can try to understand ourselves more and our needs and then actively go out and be ourselves.
you will be okay. the loneliness will not devour you.
“the more you delve into your loneliness, like that tree, the more longing takes you with motherly tenderness to its country which is made of transparent, fragile fibers. longing has a country, a family, and an exquisite taste in arranging wildflowers. it has a time chosen with divine care, a quiet mythical time in which figs ripen slowly and the gazelle sleeps next to the wolf in the imagination of the boy who did not witness a massacre. longing takes you around its country like a tour guide in heaven. It takes you up to a mountain where you used to take refuge to wallow in wild plants until your pores soak up the smell of sage. longing is smell.
mahmoud darwish, ‘XIV’ from in the presence of absence
you will live and love and learn.
and you will feel like yourself again. not because of anyone else, but because of reaching within. because you tried. because there is nothing wrong with you. because you are whole and the loneliness is not more powerful than you.
i really wanted to work on myself and be kinder to myself this year. i read the letter i wrote to myself in january to open in december and one thing that sticks out to me is the repetition of ‘hope’. ‘i hope i eat and sleep well’, ‘i hope i can grow more into myself’, ‘i hope i can spend time with people i love’ etc. i mostly just wanted to give life a try. to love and be loved, to make the time to indulge in my hobbies again, to keep to my goals, to be myself. my spotify wrapped seemed to notice this by saying i couldn’t stop listening to ‘this is me trying’ by taylor swift.
and i think i did. i tried to better my relationships with others. i indulged in hobbies of cooking and baking and walking and reading. i went to therapy. i wrote and read. i learned so many new things. i made art and spent time in nature. when things felt uncertain, hard, or lonely, or when people were unkind, i endured and tried my best to stay loving. i experienced so many beautiful moments and i feel warm and grateful.
“the most beautiful part of your body is where it’s headed. & remember, loneliness is still time spent with the world”
ocean vuong, ‘someday i’ll love ocean vuong’ from night sky with exit wounds
i think i see happiness as less of a goal now and more of a mindset. life is truly beautiful and i just want to surround myself with people who let me feel like that. i want to not feel so alone anymore. i want to stay warm and loving and me.
i feel prettier lately, and by that, i mean more me. and it’s a nice feeling. i feel like i am more present in my life and that i am Living. things are hard right now, but i get up early every day and i try my best. and i know there’s something in that.
and i am truly glad and grateful to be alive, despite despite despite.
as always, i am so incredibly grateful for all of your support and love - thank you so so much for reading :) i started this substack in january of this year and it’s so crazy to me how far it has come. my first post on here was also about loneliness and so it feels very full circle that i wished to revisit that for my last post of the year. i hope you could take something from it <3
i was talking to a friend who also has a substack and we were talking about how it has been able to give us a space for writing and interacting with others which we otherwise would not have had. i am so grateful for the way this platform has helped me experiment and express myself with writing.
thank you for letting me share my thoughts with you this year. it is nearly my birthday and its crazy to think how everything is so different from my last one. i am wishing you a calm end of the year and hope that the year ahead is abundant in happiness and love for us <3
everything about this post has me in tears
🥺