#17

on looking at the earth with love

dear you,

it feels like it has been so long since i’ve had a chance to sit down and write. the months pass by so quickly now, and lately, life feels like a blur. i hope you’ve been taking care of yourself and finding warmth as the weather gets colder. sending you so much love, as always <3

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i was sitting on a bench by the river on an evening a few days ago as the sun set, just watching the water ripple and the people crossing the bridge on top of it. there was an old man in front of me getting things ready on his boat and he was playing some jazz music. it was quiet and slightly chilly, the sky was darkening, and it was mostly deserted aside from a few people sitting on the benches or walking by every now and then.

“in those novembers of my loneliness”

james wright, a mad fight song for william s. carpenter, 1966

i was thinking about how the month had gone, and how different things were from this time last year. i’d noticed recently how i do little things differently and how much i’ve grown as a person just within that. autumn feels like a hug and maybe i needed one. it feels reassuring that even if many things feel out of control or uncertain right now, i can handle things so much better than i could and be so much kinder to myself.

talin tahajian, it’s november again

i was thinking about people who used to be in my life (its autumn, let me indulge in some nostalgia as a treat!) who were once a big part of my life, but now are nothing but a memory. i am trying to be more accepting of the way relationships work, and how, often people are only meant to be in your life for a certain period of time and that is okay. but i think this season multiplies my feelings of loneliness, so i’m trying to remember the incredible people i am grateful to know and have in my life right now. i can only hope i am able to be a source of light and love for them.

joanna klink, on surmising

i have been smiling at everyone i see lately. i usually try to but i’m making an effort to do it more, even on days when i feel i cannot. the weather is getting colder and all we have is each other. i catch myself staring at them all and thinking: who are you? is your heart happy? do you also feel this loneliness? do you also ache with love? do you also crave tenderness?

from this post

the man in the boat smiled at me that day when he saw me watching. he did a sort of wave / thumbs up and started swaying to his music and i couldn’t stop myself from laughing with him. there was a couple walking nearby who laughed too with wide, bright eyes. my heart felt so warm in that moment, i hope everyone can feel a beautiful moment like that.

anne sexton, hurry up please its time

someone left a comment on my last piece saying that they think i make life seem so romantic and they wish to see the world around them as i do. i think it can be very hard to look at the world with love, despite everything. and i think a lot of the time when people do think that way, they are often ridiculed for being too naive or ignorant. but it’s radical. to see the world, to see humans, with all our flaws, and to love ourselves anyway.

twin peaks (s02 ep11)

and it’s not easy at all in any way, even for me. there have been countless times when people, even strangers, have made me feel completely contrary to this and it stays with me for quite a while, even if what they do or say is simply a projection. but i have to let myself remember how there is so much beauty and warmth in us and the earth we have created. i don’t think i would be who i am if i didn’t hurt, cry, endure and love.

camille rankine, emergency management

“the november crunch of dead earth below the feet holds the promise of rebirth, of coming out the other side of the dark”

nina maclaughlin, the alchemy of november (the paris review)

nikki giovanni, the collected poetry (1968 - 1998)

the man on the boat left after a while, and i watched him sway to his music as he left and got further and further away. he disappeared into the horizon, with the sunset behind him and remnants of his music still lingering from the distance. i got up too eventually since it was getting darker and i had somewhere to be. but i’ll think of that moment forever. the moment that reminded me that i exist and that is beautiful.