#16

on change

dear you,

i hope you are well ! :)

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today is the first day of autumn. the sky is blue and it feels so good to feel the sun on my face. i got a train in the morning to get a little coffee with a friend and i’ve been noticing the subtle signs of the change of the season whilst looking out of the window. the trees are still mostly green but the leaves are starting to fall and change colour. there is a sense of uncertainty in the air that persists.

“hope bleeds slowly from my mouth”

lucille clifton, jasper texas (1998)

lately, i feel like i have a spring in my step. mornings have always been sacred to me — i adore the way the light pours into the house on a summer or autumn morning and the way the world slowly stirs to life on a winter or spring morning. my mornings have been lovely recently with the way the sun shines on my face in the morning whilst i commute and the endless fields i pass whilst listening to a good podcast or reading my book. autumn just holds so much beauty and warmth and i have been spending a lot of time with myself, frequenting bookshops and cafes, taking walks in parks and sitting by the river.

“i don’t know why i’m so happy today. it’s unexplainable. it’s like being in love. i’m not (in love) but my spirits are doing well by me. i soar. partly it’s the weather and the lack of having to hide from the sun. the autumn beginning… the sad autumn of the yellow leaves. i feel very alive”

anne sexton, from a letter to alfred sexton (1963)

this summer was transformative but agonising - i learnt a lot about myself and my main goal was to try and be more comfortable in being myself.

franz wright, god’s silence

gregory orr, selected books of the beloved

and i am trying, i truly am. i am trying to be better to myself and to others. i am trying to let myself feel, to let myself be. i am trying to take things as they are and take care of myself.

schulyer peck, can’t get enough of my love

i am trying to go at my own pace and not compare myself to others. it is okay if i am on a different trajectory, it is okay if things aren’t what i thought they’d be at this point.

charles oluf olsen, goal

i want to believe that something good will come out of all this. i want to believe that i will be loved and understood. i want to believe i can still find beauty and love and hope.

“it’s important to say what hope is not: it is not the belief that everything was, is, or will be fine. the evidence is all around us of tremendous suffering and tremendous destruction. the hope i’m interested in is about broad perspectives with specific possibilities, ones that invite or demand that we act”

rebecca solnit, hope in the dark: untold histories, wild possibilities

autumn is both melancholy and renewal, both loneliness and comfort.

carolyn locke, what else

what else is there but waiting in the autumn sun?

alexis sears, september

someday, maybe soon, everything will ache a little less.

victoria chang, obit

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i hope autumn is kind to you. i hope you can enjoy fresh bread and good coffee. i hope you can take beautiful walks and see all the different colours of the leaves. i hope you can eat good food and find comfort and warmth as the days get shorter and the nights get colder. sending you so much love 💌