#15

on hope

Sep 05, 2022

dear you,

i hope that summer treated you well (if that applies to you), and i hope that if it didn’t, you know that you are still here and still going and i’m proud of you :-) i hope you were able to experience some beautiful moments, eat delicious food and laugh with people you love.

i just want to take a minute to thank you for reading my silly little newsletter, i know my writing is not Everything but i truly love compiling everything so every little comment or message means truly everything to me. i reached two hundred subscribers at the end of august which honestly just makes me want to cry i can’t believe it. i will never forget if you have ever said anything kind about my writing and i am sending all my love to you (on all levels except physical i am peeling an orange and sharing it with you) <3

“it is a serious thing, just to be alive on this fresh morning in the broken world”
mary oliver, invitation

september always feels like a new year. its position immediately after the summer months means it allows us to be so much more purposeful in our actions and appreciative of everything we have. or maybe thats just me. i am mostly excited for september i think, it’s always so beautiful with the slightly chilly weather and bright and golden sun and i’m glad that i’ll be in a beautiful city to witness the change of the season.

cameron awkward-rich, meditations in an emergency

the theme for me this summer has been confronting things from my childhood and trying to retain my sense of self. i have always struggled with being perceived and fear rejection immensely since it leads to lots of self doubt and self criticising. because of this, i am very prone to blending in the background, isolating myself and trying to be invisible. the past and its negative environments have also had a huge impact on me in this way, and so i’ve been trying to acknowledge how certain situations don’t dictate my life or who i am. i’m trying to live more in the present and not let anyone else but me tell me who i am. this means embracing my softness + sentimentality and letting myself be more vulnerable with those in my life. it is a lonely experience, this summer has perhaps been my loneliest yet, but i hope i can continue to work on things throughout autumn and winter.

there are two wolves in me when it gets to september. one part of me that cannot part with summer and the endless time and love present within those golden months.

and another part that aches to rid myself of the sickness of those months and be comforted in the warmth, beauty and rest of the colder months.

virginia woolf, from a diary entry featured in ‘a writer’s diary’

september goes by so fast, especially in comparison to an agonising summer. it’s currently sunday as i am writing this and i am reminded of ali smith in ‘the whole story and other stories’ who notes that there are only four sundays in september. of course there are, but that then means there are truly only four sundays to experience this month and in this case, one of them is nearly over. everything moves so fast and it is so hard to appreciate the present.

julia de burgos, song of the simple truth: the complete poems

i want this month to be different. but i’ve been having this feeling over the last few weeks that i keep going backwards or in circles or just anywhere that isn’t forward.

i read something, however, that changed my perspective a little. it said that arriving in the same place can show how much you’ve grown, circling around can gently help you transform and getting stuck can lead to breakthroughs. it also talked about how happiness isn’t found by going the furthest or the fastest but being patient and kind to yourself throughout the journey. i think i needed to hear that. maybe things won’t change completely and straight away but my progress is noticeable. and i will be okay.

i think hope makes us human.

both optimism and hope are often seen as idealistic or unrealistic. but they take immense willpower and can act as a shield since they’re an act of resistance against events that try to render you helpless. this means hope is heavy and easy to lose but we have to find it for ourselves and wield it against this. i think hope is also a skill. one that you can get better at. kind of like a plant - you can take care of it and water it (in moderation so it doesn’t either shrivel up or drown). it isn’t something you are born with, rather it’s something you create for yourself. it’s hard to get but it’s even harder to maintain. but it’s important and allows us to endure and learn.

i think faith operates similarly, not necessarily faith in a deity but faith in the world, in people, in good. life is mostly good and people are mostly kind.